Often when I look at my to do lists and my “want to do list”, I get anxious. There is so much that I want to do — write and iOS app, start my web development and computer security consulting firm, launch a photography business, go on a food tour of Italy with my family, start a technical school — that I often don’t know where to start. Looking at my current list, I’ve got a few projects I still haven’t started and even more that are in a state best called “pending”. Too many ideas, too little time, and not enough discipline.
Then I spend time beating myself up and feeling bad; less than. Wasted all this time. I guess the question is what am I really looking for to fill my soul. Is it accomplishment? Is it fame? Or is it … just filling the desire to make something. I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like all the above but I think I am beginning to see the truth. My truth.
I think I just want to find the zen moments that my 11 year old self found while sitting in his room taking things apart, seeing how they worked, and then creating something new — exploring what and wherever my mind took me. WHether that was experimenting with electronics building radio frequency transmitters, programming firmware, writing computer games for my friends, breeding tropical fish, cultivating my plant hybrids, …
Nothing about reviewing the security equivalent of TPS reports sounds fulfilling. The thought about doing that for the next year … I shudder to think what my mind might look like. I blame myself mostly. I blame myself for not being who I needed to be. I blame myself for not continuing to pursue what was meaningful for me. I got distracted being and doing what others thought was needed.
So my friends, if you are reading this, I need your help. I need help finding my way back to a place where I was happy. I’ve been in an angry space for a while and it’s eating me alive. Where do I go from here?