some sort of a golem

I can relate.

The loss and his continued isolation from others has left him feeling like “some sort of a golem,” he says, “a creature designed to continue to function, continue to write, create, to live — but each part slowly replaced with something artificial and mechanical until there is nothing left but engines and gears.” What you’re feeling is grief - Vox

The activities I pursued in March — like hiking and nature photography — to maintain my mental health don't work anymore, and I’m full of anxiety and lethargy. Surviving the pandemic has required a Sisyphean effort: hopeless and painful. I miss lunches and after-work pints of beer with friends. I miss photo walks with local photographers. I cry more than I used to.

I’m fortunate not to worry about basic survival, like feeding or housing myself, but still, I find myself exhausted.

Tomorrow will be no different than today.

Author: Khürt Williams

A human who works in information security and enjoys photography, Formula 1 and craft ale.

5 thoughts on “some sort of a golem”

  1. Coffee makes anxiety worse, I'm learning. I've stopped drinking it.

    1. Hi Daniel, I have general anxiety. My one cup of coffee has 95 mg of caffeine. That is hardly enough to affect anxiety. One has to drink more than 400 mg per day (about 5 regular coffees or 11 Coca Cola’s) before caffeine affects anything. For me, the issue is psychological, not physiological. I don't think up yet-another-thing I enjoy is going to help my mental state. The global pandemic just made things worse for people like me with low-level anxiety. And winter is always a bad time for me.

      I have not hugged my extended family since March 2020. I have not hung out in-parson with my friends since March 2020. I am suffering the psychosocial consequences.

      There is no easy fix for this and what we are experiencing is not normal.

  2. I so get this. Until I said I don't care anymore and started inviting neighbors and friends over. Some meet others won't with some I can take safe walks outside...I need it for my mental health. Oh and I try to avoid the news as well. I wish you all the best...just discovered your website too....I love the design.

    1. If your neighbour and friends feel comfortable visiting, sure, go for it. It’s too cold now (below freezing for three weeks) and dreary to do anything outside except stare out the window.

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