Should! Should? I have an intense dislike of the word. Something inside me gets angry every time it’s used against me.
- “I should exercise more”.
- “I should spend more time with [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][name of family member]”.
- “I should go to bed earlier”.
To me the word has a feeling of judgement. It feels like, “You are a bad person. You won’t do this good thing”. It feels like, “What’s wrong with you”.
“Shoulds” feel like a bit of a guilt trip, and when we feel our guilt buttons being pushed, we get resentful, willful, or discouraged.Dr. Noa Kageyama
- “You should drive two hours on your only day off this week to visit [name of family member]”.
- “You should drop everything you have planned for the week because [name of family member] planned an impromptu trip to the area”.
- “You should adjust your life to meet other people’s expectations”.
But is the guilt real? Am I really a bad person because I won’t do something that someone else — it’s mostly always someone close to you — thinks should be done? How can I take control of the situation, get back to a positive place of being, and get the other voice to STFU?
Replace your shoulds with a word or phrase that is more future-solution-focused. Personally, I like the phrase: “Next time, I will…”Dr. Noa Kageyama
- Today I will go outside for a 15 minutes walk with my [name of family member].
- Tonight I will go to bed at 10PM.
- I will honour my needs and wants.
- I will tell people to stop shoulding all over me.